Unicorn Porn.

horse-194999_1920The unicorn is the Scottish national animal. I apologise before hand.

A conversation with Mr H.

Me: Can I talk to you?

Mr H: Yeah, what’s up? You okay?

Me: Do unicorns have genitals?

Mr H: What?

Me: I’m serious. I have never seen a unicorn with a dick.

Mr H: You have seen a horse’s dick. It’ll be the same.

Me: They do have a large dick. I try not to look.

Mr H: You tell yourself that H.

Me: That’s not very nice.

Mr H: I’m joking. Don’t put the lamp on.

Me: Why not?

Mr H: I am trying to sleep.

Me: They masturbate some racehorses for their sperm. I watched that on TV. That’s some job. It’s a huge contraption. I wonder what it would do if you put your head in it. No face left I suppose. Would you want that job?

Mr H: No. I like my face. Can I go to sleep?

Me: No. Do you think they have sex though?

Mr H: Horses?

Me: No unicorns.

Mr H: With each other?

Me: Yes.

Mr H: I can’t imagine unicorns being interested in horses.

Me: No, I meant unicorns. Do you think they have sex? I think they’re above that sort of thing. They are sexually moral animals, beyond reacting to baser instincts. It would upset children.

Mr H: I think you are reading too much into it. Go to sleep.

Me: Show me a picture or a film or a story even where a unicorn is a sexual animal?

Mr H: Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. How would they survive otherwise?

Me: You know they aren’t real right?

Mr H: Yes I know that they are not real H but I am talking to you.

Me: What does that mean?

Mr H: You are asking me if a unicorn has a dick at 3am in the morning.

Me: Do you think they smile like horses do when they are turned on?

Mr H: It’s not Shrek.

Me: It might be a thing. Sex with unicorns. Like porn.

Mr H: Porn? Unicorn porn?

Me: Yeah humans like porn, well some of them, some of them like porn with animals too which is a bit odd. Maybe unicorns have their own collection.

Mr H: You only think that’s a bit odd? Good to know. How do they watch it?

Me: Not sure. They’re mythological.

Mr H: Can I sleep now?

Me: How do you think they have sex?

Mr H: What?

Me: They have a horn.

Mr H: I doubt they use that for penetration H.

Me: That would be harsh wouldn’t it?

Mr H: Yes. You wouldn’t like it.

Me: Least you know when they’ve got the horn.

Mr H: There is that. That’s funny actually. Now go to fuckin sleep.

Me: Who would win between Chewy and a unicorn then?

Mr H? What the hell are talking about now? I’m tired.

Me: If a unicorn had a go at Chewbacca who would win?

Mr H: Why would Chewy be with a unicorn?

Me: Neither of them are real.

Mr H: Don’t be blasphemous.

Me: I’m not. I have a teddy chewy.

Mr H: I know. You keep making me have conversations with him.

Me: It’s good to talk.

Mr H: Yeah right. I think Chewy would win in the fight.

Me: He would snap the unicorn’s stabber right off. He’d be left with a half a stab.

Mr H: Stabber?

Me: Yes.

Mr H: So you are now calling it a stabber?

Me: Yes. Chewy would rip off his stabber.

Mr H: Are you three?

Me: No I’m not three. How old am I actually? I can never remember.

Mr H: You don’t know?

Me: No. Do you know?

Mr H: Yeah, I can add up.

Me: Okay. Who would win anyway?

Mr H: If Chewy felt threatened, he would win the fight easily.

Me: They might hug first, just so there are no hard feelings. You hug chewy don’t you?

Mr H: Yeah because a hug would help with being stabbed. I don’t hug him. I have him forced on me.

Me: It would be a good subject for philosophers.

Mr H: Unicorn Porn?

Me: The sexual Morality of Unicorns.

Mr H: I suppose.

Me: Can I pitch it to one?

Mr H: A philosopher?

Me: Yes.

Mr H: Do you know one?

Me: No.

Mr H: Let me know how that goes.

Me: Thanks.

Mr H:  I’m going to get a drink.

Me: I will have one too and a biscuit.

Mr H: Okay, I will make you a drink. Stay there.

Me: I would rather come with you. I like talking to you.

Mr H: And you are worried about sedation.

Me: I am worried. It might have a bad effect on my mind.

Mr H: On your mind?

Me: Yeah.

Mr H: I wouldn’t worry.

© Copyright Henrietta M Ross

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18 thoughts on “Unicorn Porn.

  1. Oh, now I’ here I don’t know what to say…speechless…giggling…spending far longer than is normal (for me anyway) wondering about unicorn porn, and unicorns…and porn o_O

    Liked by 1 person

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